“Which would you prefer to be on? We will start you on the lowest dose and gradually move up as needed. It will control your symptoms of panic.”

I sat debating if this was what I wanted to do. If this was who I wanted to be.

I wanted to be the boy on the side of the milk carton - gone.

It’s a little past midnight and you’re driving home. Your eyes are tired - the radio is giving you what little energy you have. A deer runs in front of your car and you slam on your brakes.

As you walk your dog down the street you pass a funeral home and see two men carrying a coffin towards the hearse - it is no longer than four feet long.

The first time you saw footage of people leaping out of the twin towers as planes impaled the concrete walls, sending the buildings towards the ground.

This is panic disorder - these moments. The only difference is, your mind continues to linger. The deer will run off and you will be asleep soon. You will forget about the dead child. Your mind will leave 9/11 and move onto the next national disaster. Panic is constant.

Your heart will continue to skip a beat, your mind will race. Your life will be fear and dread. This was something I had to come to terms with. It wasn’t just going to pass. It wasn’t a bad dream, it wasn’t just another life hurdle: it was a new life, one I didn’t get to choose.

I don’t even know if I enjoy sex - I don’t think I do.

In-between loosing my virginity (fifteen) and getting sober (eighteen), I’d never had sex while not under the influence.

Between eighteen and twenty I hardly had sex; I was trying to focus on my sobriety.

Now at twenty-one, my sexual pursuits have largely been selfish, and it’s not the conquest or the orgasm I seek. It’s that for the short time I am having sex, laying in bed with someone, kissing, touching… my panic goes away. It’s the only thing that makes my chest stop aching, that takes the dizziness away. It’s the only thing that stops the tingling sensations from surging throughout my body leaving me in disbelief.

Sex has become my form of therapy. Lately my medications have not been helping as much but am trying to keep it together. I go to work and am able to mask the intense fear that keeps my chest pounding. I have become a master at the art of being ‘alright’ in the eyes of others.

Sex has become a necessity to sleep. Without it, I toss and turn until my body overrides my racing mind and I drift into unconsciousness for a few hours.

I don’t enjoy these sexual pursuits. I am scared of them. I understand the dangers of multiple sexual partners - emotionally, physically, and mentally.

A healthy way to solve this would be to find someone to be with, but I never find the right person. I never find a person that I can develop feelings for. Let alone a person who is interested in a neurotic, recovering drug-addict/alcoholic that is doped up on lithium, klonopin, and lexapro.

I’m considering upping my dose of lexapro.

(Source: stehill)

The strangest thing happened today. I was driving home from dinner with my friends and realized that I didn’t suffer from Panic today. Today is the first day since October 19th 2012 that I didn’t have chest pain, headaches, dizzyness, sweating, and lightheadedness. It was the first day I got through work and the other routines of life without having a freak out. I have been on the Lexapro with the Lithium for about a month now and wonder maybe it’s working, maybe this is the end of the madness and the beginning of getting back to my life without worry. I just might have found the right amounts of the right medications to “cure” me.

I also continued thinking about changes in my behavior lately and realized I haven’t spent a ridiculous amount of money in over a month. I haven’t bought new clothes, I haven’t gone to the casino, nothing. This is also abnormal for myself, so I have to wonder if this is the Lithium taking away my urge to compulsively spend. When I’m angry, I no longer run to Saks Fifth Avenue.

I have also noticed that boredom no longer leads to casual sex, that days of binging are not followed by days of starvation but instead I eat a consistent, healthy amount of food. I no longer sleep 18 hours followed by 2 hours. I have been getting 7-9 hours a night.

I don’t know if the medication has changed me or made me the man I am supposed to be. I don’t know how I feel about it yet, other than I have been happy and healthy and most of all not worrying as much. There is so much judgement against the world of psychiatry but if all of this shit is giving me a second chance at the life I want, consider me a believer.

Anonymous asked: She's a psychologist. I've stopped seeing her. She told me to write so I picked up a diary and been writing. I've also ordered some Suntheanine and Melatonin which I'm excited to get today, I've been reading up on a few things. I've been pretty having a very "clear" week, trying not to dwell on whether it'll come crashing down eventually. Trying to keep calm.

Those are really great. I hope they work for you! If not, maybe try adding a little st johns or rhodiola. If you are still feeling down in a few weeks, try seeing a psychiatrist. Remember, water, exercise, meditation/yoga can also go a long way. Especially with a healthy diet.

Anonymous asked: You might want to see another doctor if he is having you take Lithium Cobalt... j/k Li2CO3

LiCo3 is Lithium carbonate… no 2 necessary after Li

I haven’t posted in awhile about my trials and tribulations with Lithium because I have been busy. I also (at my request) was put on a low dose of Lexapro to go along with the Lithium. Even though my past experiences with SSRI’s have been bad, I decided to try another one for a few reasons: 1.) My panic isn’t exactly helped by LiCo3 2.) I have been suffering from derealization and dizziness again (my original symptoms - dormant since October) 3.) Lexapro seems to be the most successful SSRI with the least side-effects and the least withdrawal effects. Nonetheless I have still had some gnarly side-effects. Horrible anxiety and panic. This is normal for an SSRI when starting out if you suffer from anxiety. I have been trying to just rest and hope that the drug will kick in. I think it’s been getting better. It’s been 11 days now since I started and it normally takes 3-4 weeks before feeling the benefit of the drug.

Anonymous asked: ruing what? your face? i think itl look better with your flesh exposed

Ruin* It’ll*

and no!!! I had to work last sunday and I missed the season premier of the walking dead! I don’t wanna know what happens!

Anonymous asked: You're a very attractive boy, you wont be when i slit your throat and pull your skin off your face

stop! don’t ruin it!